Monday, 28 November 2011

Have at you!

Well I was filming again yesterday and this time I didn’t spend the whole time standing in a bush with a stick, I didn’t even have a stick. Oh no! I’m going up in the world so I wore a high visibility waistcoat and interrupted proceedings every now and then.

I managed to palm off the directing malarkey to someone else. I suppose in the spirit of this arty farty stuff I should name drop at this point but I am not a fan of the name drop. So I have converted their name to Klingon: Ja'mesh son of the West and added a hyperlink to something or other so if you like the name drop you can look into it, if not I suggest you move swiftly onto the next paragraph.

We managed to film the very first ever episode of the wonderful story entitled ‘The Amazing Story of the Thing That Happened’. But if you know anything about anything (and I doubt that you do) then you know that the ‘after filming’ bit takes a long time, by which point I will have forgotten all about the project and shall be swiftly telling you of my latest idea but without you ever seeing the fruits of my labours and therefore you shall be left wondering if I actually ever do anything at all….

Saturday, 26 November 2011

er... stuff

It’s getting dark and it’s not even 4pm. I don’t know quite what to do about that, or indeed if I should do anything. I think perhaps I should allow the seasons to take their own natural course. But at this time of year I start to think that perhaps I like the sunshine.

I am not afraid of these
Even if I am a nocturnal creature of semi-evil.

I is like well excited cos tomorrow I is filming. I have to say that I am completely reliant on the talent of others (I’m not quite Blanche Du’Bois but I’m getting close) to ensure that my imagined world comes to fruition.

I am still searching high and low for the star of the piece. A rock, but not just any rock, the perfect rock. I suppose I ought to get out and search for one, but that would mean going outside in the semi darkness.

I am not necessarily bothered by the dark it just doesn’t look particularity inviting.

So if you see a rock that is the exact rock that I am thinking of, then chuck that rock in my general direction.

Also I keep forgetting that I have cast myself in one of the roles and I have to learn my lines.

Right I’d better go and do things.

Friday, 25 November 2011

mild PANIC!

Oh dear lord. One payday before Christmas. Friggen Christmas. It’s so compulsory.

Yes  I will admit that way back in October I did get a moment of excitement about the forthcoming Celebrations however I put this down to a subtle change in the light which brought back nostalgic feelings and a misguided sense of expectation.

I’m not fond of roasted chestnuts (they are a bit dry) I can’t eat chocolate and I am rubbish at trying to be excited by the peculiar array of things that people give to me, often unwrapped.
I am not a scrooge or a Grinch or a humbug or any other term you wish to use to apply peer pressure onto me in an attempt to force me to enjoy a sequence of events in which you yourself have no pleasure. So stop that immediately.

Father Coke - 'The Spirit of Capitalism'
I like the act of giving, not as much as that creepy child on the John Lewis ad but I do like it and I want to get it right (since I am amazing, I often do). This year has been rather more stingy to me than last year (I blame the year not my own actions, of course) and I am finding that there is very little capitalism for me to spread about.

I am not Kirsty Allsop (SHOCK) so I do not have access to an assortment of trained craft peoples that I can flog into submission and force to make a mosaic cake or a knitted tea set to give away to bemused relatives. So I am left to my own creativity.

No I’m not going to bloody write something for people. I really cannot be doing with that sort of behaviour. I might be forced to craft something out of the tins and plastic I keep forgetting to put out with the recycling. It’s all in the presentation.

Did pagans give out presents at Yule? If they did it was probably made out of a pig.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

I Have Seen True Evil

I have a confession to make. Well it is not a confession since I have done nothing wrong (nothing!) it is more of an admission but if I say that I have an admission to make then it sounds like I’m just letting people into a cinema [or an equivalent place which requires some sort of ticket] any way, to get to the thrilling and exciting point of this rambling monologue; I have a certain anxious fear of Ewoks.

As a child I dreamt they disguised themselves as care bears by wearing the skins of said care bears, they then used this genius disguise to convince my family that they were nice and cuddly and friendly before removing the skins and slaughtering said family one by one with laser guns, until I was left alone hiding in a cupboard. I realise that the Ewoks did not have laser guns in the Star Wars Trilogy (there are only three as far as I am concerned) but as a small and impressionable child I must have gotten confused and believed that they did, besides it is not entirely inconceivable that the little pointy toothed gits stole Han Solo’s laser gun thingy while they had him tied up (because they were going to eat him, because they are evil). 

Now the reason I have brought this up (I’m sure I had a reason) must be due to the fact that after having watched the first two episodes of ‘Life’s too short’ (which should have been called ‘Life’s Short’) I have been exposed to the imagery of the Ewoks once again and this childhood trauma has come to the forefront of my mind.

However it is a jolly good show and I am rather overexcited about seeing Helena Bonham Carter in the next episode, for I love her. And that other one she hangs out with a bit, he’s good too.  

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

The Amazing Story of The Thing That Happened

Well this isn’t actually it. The story I mean, this is just the annoying pre-amble.
The ideas I mentioned previously, which have been marinating in my brain like festering chicken bones, have now come to fruition. Well one has.

I finished a script (mainly due to a sudden wave of insomnia I can’t shake off) and then I finished two and they amalgamated into one.

‘The Amazing Story of The Thing That Happened’ is a series of episodes of short films, two to five minutes each which are going to be worked with the help of Film Colchester on their Sunday shoots. The first episode (all going well) will be filmed this Sunday and as a result you may be able to witness the carnage that ensues when I post the result online at an undetermined time in the future.

So my plan would be to get an episode filmed and see how that pans out, it would be lovely (I don’t often use that word) if an episode were filmed every month but I shall not get too over excited. Yet.

Yours, over excitedly,


Monday, 21 November 2011

Why Must I Be Forced to Name things

Right well I have been relatively busy, which is why I can’t possibly spend my time composing wittering blogs and have been doing more important things.

My standing in a bush the other weekend has some to some kind of fruition. Apparently I did the ‘sound’ but to be honest I was just doing my best not to get dog crap on my boots.

I shan’t ask what you thought. Mainly because I don’t know who you are and therefore cannot fully trust your opinion, were you to supply it.

I have also been to see the fascinating John Smith, such an unassuming name but what’s in a name? Poor Dovahkiin may turn out to be a rather dull person with no interest in anything other than the history of the barcode. 

However seeing short films dubbed as ‘art’ did start to get my brain moving, ‘twas an odd sensation and has left me using the word ‘twas far more often than strictly necessary. I now have some ideas which have been marinating, not all of them are good ideas but I’m sure I will let you in on them in due course.

In the meantime I would like to say that I thoroughly agree with a movement to bring back Yule – which is a far more interesting and fun celebration than Christmas. I have been wishing people a merry midwinter for years but alas no one has noticed they just think I am wishing them an early Christmas greeting (I won’t patronise you by expounding on exactly what date I have been using this greeting) however one year I was thrilled to receive a text on Christmas morning simply wishing me a ‘Happy Tuesday’. However I was thoroughly disappointed when I did not receive this text the following Tuesday.

Right I’m done, I have nothing more to say to you.