Friday, 10 February 2012

It is coming.

Now I know what you are thinking. I know what you have planned, but before you get over excited about it I want to make a few things very very clear about my idea of Romance.

Candles:
First and foremost I do not have money to burn. So I am not prepared to buy things purely for the purpose of burning them. We have electric lights, use them.
Secondly I like to actually be able to see things, if there is candle light then it can only mean you have something to hide, it is either on your face or in the food, either way I no likey.

Which brings me on to...

Food:
he likes wearing women's shoes
Certain food is poison to me. Did you see the film where the gnome king crumbled into dust after eating a hen’s egg? No? Well never mind, I’m sure that even you have a basic grasp of the word poison.

Which is why is it so frustrating that when I say ‘I can’t have gluten, wheat or dairy.’ I still get asked ‘So can you have butter?’

To make it really super simple for you: I can’t eat chocolate with dairy in it, this would be milk chocolate.

NO I DO NOT WANT HARIBO! I’m sick of haribo and whoever created those ads should have their face put through a meat grinder.

So…

Get me special chocolate. There are special places for special people with special needs, don’t just grab a kiwi and look at me expecting praise.

Flowers.
Strangely enough cutting plants to pieces and then giving them to me so that I can watch them slowly rot is not my idea of a romantic gesture. You may as well dump compost at my door at least I can use that.

Finally

Don’t even consider getting me a bear, unless it is actually an Ewok that you have hunted, slaughtered and stuffed.

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