Thursday, 9 February 2012

This may cause some offence (but it isn’t real. Like Thundercats)


If you struggle with violent images then I suggest that you cover your eyes, plug your ears, move into a padded cell and rock back and forth, humming the music from the magic roundabout for the rest of your life.

Now listen to this loverlly story.

This is what someone somewhere may or may not have said:

“It really is the worst thing ever”

Now boys and girls, what do you think this inebriate, soup-brained, jelly-fish person was referring to?

clearly evil
Waterboarding? Starvation? Gang-rape? Being stoned to death? Being flayed alive? Listening to Dub-step?

Nope.

No, my friends he was referring to having a littol bit of a tickol at the back of his throat. Just a littol bit of a tickol. The kind of tickol that means you have to drink a littol bit of water.

So, naturally, I carved a rudimentary shiv from my biro and stabbed him in the liver.

While he was squealing like a pig on the ground, watching his insides squirt on to the road, I said:

“Yep, you’re right; a littol tickol at the back of the throat is absolutely the worst thing a human can endure.”

Then I nicked his wallet.

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