Monday, 30 April 2012

The most exciting thing to happen to you so far today. Maybe.

I feel like I’m being squeezed through a tube. This is not a feeling I particularly enjoy.

Now most of you would have been aware that last week was something off an ‘off week’ for me, seeing as I spent the whole time bemoaning my fate.

this is metaphoric
You see I had the audacity to go outside and see the world, as a result I became intensely ill and had to return to hide in my boiler cupboard watching repeats of ‘Murder She Wrote’ through the cracks in the door.

However, I am better now.

Better than I was; my head still feels like a pre-owned sledge hammer and my eyes have yet to adjust to the light which is commonly referred to as ‘day’, also, most sadly of all, I have fallen behind on my plans for world domination.

Alas Alack Alay and all that nonsense.

So listen up numnum’s I am back. So don’t go thinking you can just ignore this part of the interwebspace for a while. Nope, you are heartily wrong.

Tomorrow I shall be  waving my stick of injustice at you all, whilst giving you the first of my monthly ‘how to’s.

Have you just wet yourself in excitement? I think you might have done!

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Right now listen up numnums

I have been reading about how to maximise my blog. Now I’m not entirely sure that what I was reading was particularly relevant to what I’m doing here, but never mind.

They (no I don’t know who ‘they’ are, so shush) said that every month or so in a blog I have to write an ‘anchor post’ telling my audience (that’s you, yes they mentioned you!) how to do something. They didn’t elaborate on what I had to tell you to do, but they said it would be a good way to build up followers, and in order to become Queen of the world I need a couple of loyal followers.

I thought about asking you what kind of a ‘how to’ you would like me to do, but I know you would come up with really crap ideas, so I’m going to do what I want and you’re going to like it.

I had a little think about the type of things you secretly want to know how to do, but would never ask, so here are a couple of the topics I shall be covering:

How to not give a crap
How to walk away from a stupid conversation
How to stop a pointless argument escalating beyond all reason or control 
How to exact revenge, properly
How to avoid killing someone irritating, or at least avoid getting caught
How to legitimately stalk someone
How to fake superior intellect
How to fake knowledge on a niche subject
How to admit you’re wrong and still make it seem like you are better than everyone
How to make people think you’re great
How to make people think you like them
How to make it clear you really don’t like someone

And for all those animal lovers out there:

How to skin a puppy, Korean stylie

Friday, 20 April 2012

Oh yeah Friday innit yeah

Whoopie do and all that, but for some people the weekend (and how anything can be the end in the perpetual circle of time is beyond me) is busier than the week.

So all those mindless yobyobs who think it is all big and clever and trendy so say ‘TFI Friday’ (The ‘F’ stands for a naughty word, but it is cool to swear, at least that’s what monkeys think) are cutting out a large proportion of their audience, and anyone who is desperate to be liked by everyone won’t want to be doing that now will they?


“So why are you all uptight about the weekend?” You say with your big confused eyes while you’re halfway through lunch munching and thinking about how there is only a few more hours till the weekend, so you’re doing a silent woot woot to yourself. Or, more annoyingly, to others.

Well I have to work. No not that kind of paid employment wot other people seem to be so preoccupied with, no I shall be putting my plans together for my current plot to take over the world.

big hair won't hide it
If Adele ‘is you sayin’ I is fat?’ Laurie Blue Adkins can get onto the list of the 100 most influential people in the world, then that means there is hope for me. At least I can articulate my sentences.

Mind you she does have a knack for creating irritating brain worms.

Rumour has it... Rumour has it… Rumour has it… Rumour has it…

What rumour? What’s the rumour? Who’s saying what about me?

Rumour has it… Rumour has it… Rumour has it… Rumour has it…

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Even I find this offensive.

Right, well unfortunately I have to report that I have yet another distasteful guest blog from Bamboozle (or Bam for short).

He has started writing poetry now. I don’t think he quite has the hang of it to be honest, but then since I am not a fan of poetry I am hardly one to comment.

this is 'im on skype innit
In fact, in all likelihood the weirdo’s that do like poetry will probably see some sort of ‘raw-truth’ in this kind of filthy rubbish, which is the only reason I am stooping to become its rather unwilling publisher.

Well here you go; this is a relatively short and awful one. But it is somewhat inoffensive:

I am Bam, Not Ram, Cam or Lamb, not sam, spam or sham, not fam not, or even dam
i am bam, the only bam!
or else

Wonderful isn’t it? Yes well, swiftly moving on.

If Tracey Emin can win a prize for drawing graffiti on a tent, then I suppose Bam ought to have a fair whack with this muck:

Bam! Goes The van as it hits the man,
Ants in mepants as i blow up france
Mutz Eating nutz which exploded in their gutz
Bun on a nun, Naked in the sun
Ouch! Goes the grouch as i sewed on a pouch
Oops and whoops i did a poops.
Zap! goes the chap as i wake him from his nap
Lick, Flick and Stick my shit, Quick
Ergo, the Hoe was slow, but in the Know
Dip my willy in some sick!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

I am swamped with uselessness.

My clogged with heaviness at the moment.
this is my face
I have been trying and failing to organise a film shoot, slowly things are piecing together, but the most important things are too easy to forget and I keep getting distracted.

My boiler cupboard is rather warm, but if I manage to turn down the heating it gets to cold. There is no medium temperature. Plus there seems to be a mysterious wind. I cannot explain this wind, but it is making the door rattle. And it is certainly not me.

Well that is all the whining your getting for today. I am too busy being miserable to entertain you any longer, now sod off and leave me to my misery.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

It’s at it again.

Only it isn’t ‘it’ anymore, it is a new it.

“What are you rabbiting about you moron?”  I hear you patiently ask.

Well as you all know, I have a love of my phone. BUT my wonderful pretty little phone, wot had pretty flowers on, had to be put to rest.

When it was opened we found it was filled with sand. Which was weird.

But now I have a new device! YAY
things were easier then

Now I have a brand new circle of hell to contend with.

A labyrinth of a menu with easy access to obscure services such as ‘push to talk’.

Push what to talk to who?

What is this? Is this part of the phone? Why is my phone offering me a service to talk to people, surely that is what it is meant to be doing anyway?!

Then it has a desperate urge to tell me every few minutes exactly how much credit I have left. I must look at this! I must patiently wait for this information to appear, pay it the attention it craves and then tell it to go away.

“Why?” I hear you ask, sensibly.

Because if I do not, then the fricken demented-demon-possessed-hell-beast-twit will refuse to perform any other function. I write a message, put the phone down, and nothing happens. Three hours later I look at the phone thinking ‘mmm that’s funny I was expecting a call’ – lo and behold, three missed calls. None of which were announced because I didn’t pay the due care and attention to the very important warning that my credit has not changed because I have free fricken messages!

The camera is better though. The camera takes pictures. This is nice. But does it save the pictures? Does it keep the pictures it has taken?


Because it is ‘busy’. Busy doing what? It is my phone! My servant! My electric slave!

What could it possibly be doing to make it so busy that it cannot do what I tell it to!?

Monday, 16 April 2012

Right that’s it!

The Deadline has come and gone!

What am I drivelling on about? The Sci Fi Challenge of course!
bloody foreigners

48 hours in which to make a moooovie lasting no more than five and no less than three minutes.

I don’t have the temperament for that sort of behaviour to be honest.

I turned up on the first day, flashed my opinion around a bit, argued a bit and then got sleepy and went home.

So I shall be looking forward in great anticipation to the great unveiling of some of the entries.

And I wish all the luck in the world to those who have far more patience and far less need to sleep than I do. Not that I’m bitter.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Oh the calamities which befall me are great and many!

Patiently waiting here in my boiler cupboard for the moment when I could use the printer to printy printy the full scale plan of my mission to take over the world.

But alas! No paper!

I have been stealing anything I can get hold of; recipes, music sheets, discarded plans for world domination, but alas these have run out.
eurgh! squirty squirty

I had to send someone to fetch me paper.

But alas!

The ink has run dry!

Oh calamity of calamities!

But anyway have you noticed my trendy new look blog?

I read something about something and I thought I should add some ‘gadgets’ or ‘widgets’ or ‘digits’ or ‘fidgets’ or some such nonsense. There is one there that I have no idea about and the others, well I’m dubious, but apparently there are other ways to follow me…

I’m sure there are many ways to follow me, and I won’t have you arrested for all of them.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Lonely, oh so lonely!

I have been in hiding now for several days. Still in my boiler cupboard.

ain't I cute tho!?
As a result I have very little news to tell. A big van came passed the house. Someone dropped off some leaflets. And then I watched a fly, slowly crawl across the window.

I may be free from my gibbon infested pit, but sitting here, rammed in a cupboard, mulling over my plans for world domination, I realise I’ve actually started having dreams about seeing other people.

Not talking to anyone, just being in a room with them. The presence of others.

So I’ve scrawled a face on the wall of my boiler cupboard. He’s my friend. His name is 'Mr Tollesbury'. He’s told me things I never knew before and that is how I know he must be real.

And that is why I must do as he says…

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Happy Days and all that yeah?

Right I’m sure you’re desperate to know what’s been happening!

“What’s been happening?!”

this makes me sick with rage
I hear you cry! Well I am here to tell you.

Easter happened. It took me rather by surprise; I hadn’t really been expecting it. But there it was, mashing its self satisfied chocolate fa├žade into my dairy free face, like a fat, nesting pigeon.

How did Easter start being about chocolate anyway? Don’t tell me, I can wiki it if I really care, and to be honest celebrating spring by watching other people eat dairy produce is a hell of a lot better than watching a man get crucified. Again. First on BBC one in a lovely singy way, then on BBC Three in a desperately patronising way, and then again on Channel four. In a sickeningly graphic and very German way. Loverlly.

What a truly lovely way to spend a bank holiday weekend. I’m sure that is exactly what Jesus Christ would have wanted. Amassed families gathering around a barbecue stuffing their faces with chocolate and watching his death on repeat.

But still, I’m sure you all loved it, and so you should my little Chickens!

Now how about I invite you all over to my house so we can celebrate the Queen’s jubilee by eating candy floss and watching snuff movies?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

i Mac, You Fool

I know I shouldn’t involve myself in technology. I know I should just use very simple things for simple people who glaze over whenever things like firewire or html are mentioned.

But I was forced, like a bunny into a pie, to use… I can’t even bring myself to say the word. Give me a moment to breathe…

Ok… this is hard for me to admit it to, I hope you know this takes a lot of courage for me to say. I feel all dirty and ashamed about it, but I have to come clean and remember that it wasn’t my fault I was just a victim in all this.

So here goes.

I was forced to use a mac. I know I know! You can send me condolence messages if you wish. Messages of support and comfort would be greatly appreciated at this difficult time.

I do find it hard to speak about.

gits. I'll give 'em 'different'
For instance none of the programs have their own toolbar? You have to use the one at the top for all of them. All of them at the same time. All of the programs that are open. Don’t get muddled! Getting muddled is not allowed for the trendy, clever, twatty, ‘creative’, arsy, git faced mac user.

And don’t double click! Don’t try to use the right click! Oh and if you want to switch the fricken thing off, try looking behind the decorative apple. That’s right the decorative apple isn’t decorative at all but instead conceals the most important functions on the damned thing.

If I wanted a mystery I would have watched ‘Murder she Wrote’ (that really is a mystery).

Apparently apple products are supposed to be intuitive…  

Whose intuition was this based on!? Whose?! A goat with a brain disease?

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Onward marching soldiers da da da da da….

I have been counting the hours of my freedom. But then I got bored of it and slept.

However I have now been free since 4pm last Thursday, so you can work it out if you like, I know you like that sort of mindless waste of time. You wouldn’t be reading this drivel if you didn’t.

Anyway. I got some news, very exciting. My plans for world domination are coming together…

Spurred on by a dream in which I met a marvellous marzipan magician, I am building up a loyal band of followers who will read my every word with giggles and delight and whatever else they do while they’re alone.

These mindless numnums will become my army of chaos (until I get that wing grafting process sorted and can get my flying badger army) and you too can become one of them! Yes you! My little rancid creatures of doom. Wouldn’t you like that?

The reason for this patronising and disturbing excitement is that I have been (legitimately) published under my own (legitimate) name and can now be found for sale (legitimately) on popular places where people buy these sorts of things.

Like here. Go on clicky clicky I know your curious!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012



I went over the top some time last week. There was very little ceremony; I slipped out the door while the guards were complaining about the latest procedural changes.

I spent most of the night hiding in the river. I didn’t have to but it felt right.

The next day I tracked down the mandrake that had aided me in passing a message onto you, my dear and loyal friends. He was delighted I had made it through alive, he invited me in for tea with his wife, she was a bit shifty to be honest. I didn’t trust her from the start.

They put me onto this urban fox. Goes by the name Cicero.

He gave me a fake name. I don’t remember what it was, he wasn’t particularly articulate, might have been Grerr or Grooo or Graw... anyhoo he found me a room (I think it might be a boiler cupboard) with ‘free’ wifi and all the mod cons. I just have to ensure I remain hidden from the eyes of the other occupants.