Monday, 4 June 2012

How To: Walk away from a stupid conversation

That’s right lads and ladies (eurgh, that is a rather plebeian phrase) I am here to provide you with the latest How To! If I do enough of them, then I shall compile them into a book, this book shall be like a ‘library of advice’ all compiled and edited by me, I shall give them a name that means library, thus saving me the effort of thinking. I shall then translate this word into another language to make it sound posher, perhaps Greek or Latin, I shall then provide this ‘bible’ to people who are lost and searching for answers, they will then follow my advice and raise me up to the status of messiah, or demi god and I shall then ask them to give me all their money to save them from the burden of materialism. Then I’ll get a hot tub and a monkey, but I won’t have them in the same room.

Any hoo.
not like this chicken

I am sure you have all been in a situation in which you have been forced, like a ferret into a tube, to engage with an idiot. The kind of idiot that has a mental capacity similar to that of a chicken, not one of the cool chickens that performs stunts, no, one of the stupid chickens that all the other chickens look at and go ‘oh god do I really have to talk to her? She's as thick as-’ well you get the general idea.

Now let’s imagine that this moron of epic proportions has spoken to you, perhaps said something along the lines of “Have you noticed how only fat people are on diets?” or “Do Crocodiles have nipples?”

With a statement you are left with the option of smiling and walking away. No harm done, no chance of them pulling you, kicking and screaming, into their vacuous conversation in the way planets can be caught in the gravitational pull around a black hole and sucked into oblivion.

With an open question - “What time is it?” “How many boiled eggs do you reckon I can fit in my mouth?” – Simply say ‘I don’t know.’ Then run.

But this is a ‘yes/no’ question, not quite so easy to get away from. So what do you do? What possible option are you left with in this most dire of circumstances?

Well, the easiest and simplest method to deal with the old ‘yes/no’ is to say ‘No’ and walk away. Do it quickly, give them no time to probe you further on your negative response, don’t fall into the trap of ‘being polite’ and saying ‘ok?’ this will only encourage them. DO NOT concern yourself with these thoughts of being polite, just shove them out of your ‘compassion circle’ like a big fat sumo and be done with it.

However if this situation occurs and you find yourself supplying the positive response and then continuing to engage in the conversation, then I am afraid there is no hope for you. You are an idiot.

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