Thursday, 27 September 2012

The Inquisitive Pixie

I would like to introduce you all to the Inquisitive Pixie! I found this photo of him on my computer and thought, 'Ah! I know who would like to meet him!' So here I am, to shove him in your faces.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012


If success is meeting a deadline, well then success has been achieved here!

I said I would do it, I wroted that I would do it, and then I went ahead and did it. Of course I say ‘I’ but we all know I had minions; but what ruler doesn’t?

So wot happened in the Colchester Film Festival 48 Hour Challenge wos rite: I did a schedule on me compooter and sent it to everyone and was all like; it’s gonna happen like this, people! And they all looked up at me with their big, little eyes while I shouted ‘silence!’ at them and made them all consume their own bodyweight in flapjacks.

So a success all round I think!

If you are curious about what can be produced in a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon, then slap your peepers onto this linky link and have a looksie at:

Thursday, 20 September 2012

48 Hour Challenge

I have done it!

Well I have entered the 48 Hour Challenge and that is enough for me so far today. I am now going to be working on a film the whole weekend, from Saturday through to Monday. So I may not be back on here for a while – either that or I shall blog the whole way through: proclaiming my woes etc

“So what is this nonsense?”

I hear one of the uninitiated ask. Well, uninitiated, ‘tis a challenge (hence the title) to be completed within 48 hours (hence the title). This will be a film challenge, to create a film from concept to completion within those small hours and present it for competition.

I am not particularly competitive, as I do not need the approval of others in order to bolster my self worth, however I can see how this could be the next step towards world domination, so I shall tread carefully upon this path of doom and leave thee with one last fleeting phrase:


Wednesday, 19 September 2012

What's that coming over the hill?

I am only writing this because I have that sense of fear and dread that something terrible is about to happen.

That the world is about to open up and swallow us all (If it just swallowed you, it might be no bad thing) or that the we’ll all be herded up like cats and made to build pyramids for aliens.

However we all know that the apocalypse is not happening until December 21st, so what could this dreaded dread be?!

Well I think it may be due to the fact that I have committed myself.

No, not like that, I mean that I have made a sort of semi-completely-binding commitment and as much as I wriggle the vines of obligation grow tighter.

I fear I may for once have to do as I have promised, and no one really likes that, do they?

Friday, 14 September 2012

More gold than I can eat!

Hello Friends and freaks alike!

probably a woman...
I was so chilly last night I had blankets on me and only my little nose was sticking out the top. For all Cat burglars (and other small mammal burglars) ‘tis a sad, sad time, for last night was the first night of this jolly new season that all me windows was closed.

Oh well, maybe next year lads! (Or lasses, I’m not one to be sexist and assume women can’t be cat burglars, I mean, look at catwoman, she was a woman!)

Anyhoo, I’m on here to make a possible new announcement about something that is gonna make me an internet sensation!

I’ve written a whole chapter for a book! Yeah I know! I did it all by meself! It’s prolly only gonna be a couple of chapters, cos I get really bored of working on the same project for too long. (Not that I’m bored of “The Amazing Story”! Oh lord no, I just love having that dead weight hanging around my neck dragging me down into a black ocean of waking nightmares, it’s great)

So I don’t wanna bore you with this project by telling you how great it is, I’m just gonna show you: (this is a quote)

““Yeah, I’m alright.” Said Derek, glazing over, as he stared upwards at Marjorie’s gargantuan mass. If he tried not to focus then he could convince himself that it was not to a human he spoke, but to an out of place, badly decorated van, with a tannoy system.”

The story is about working in an office in Romford. But it is mainly about Zombies.

I’m gonna enter it for the Man Booker Prize, or the Lady Booker Prize, or the Orange Award or sumfink. It’s gonna make me rich enough to buy an island on a lake.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Missing years and Zombie Werewolves

Cos I’m doing all this malarkey with writing my whole life out for you to see it in intricate detail, I had a dream last night that there was a whole section of my life that I had completely forgotton.

this kind of sick crap
I woke up startled thinking ‘Oh ma Gawd! I have to update!’ – I don’t usually get that emotionally invested in updating, but at that moment I knew it was a matter of life and death. Then I rolled over and went to sleepy bye bye land.

The thing is that even now I have this nagging feeling that I have missed out an entire section of my life – that I have completely lost two or three years somewhere along the line, a great two or three years, in which much happened…. Oh well.

I also dreamt that I got bitten by a werewolf-zombie and I was all shouting ‘BOLT THE DOOR!’ So that it wouldn’t get into the house to my startled nephoo, and I was like strangling the zombie-werewolf, but at the same time he was all like ‘I had so much to live for!’ and I was all like ‘Yeah I know’ before twistin’ his neck.

And so I was a hero but I was also turnin’ and my comrade was all like ‘I can shoot you in the head if you like?’ and I was all like ‘no, sit down and read these scientific papers, find me a cure!’

Then I went on a bit of a rampage and threw someone quite a long way and their head split open, but he can’t have been a good person because there was a polite round of applause from the gathered crowd.

So not all dreams are realistic.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Expanding my blog

I fawt it would be a ten minute jobby but I’ve been at this for days now! I’ve shoved on a bit about writin’ and a bit about actin… but I cba to write the stuff about directin’ – I might do it tomorrow…

The plan is, to befuddle people with stuff – smear random experiences all over their faces so they fink I done summink. Like wot you do with a CV…

Don’t get me wrong – It’s all real (unlike a lot of stuff people shove on their CV) but I am hoping that people will just glance at it with out actually going in to depth and uncovering the fact that it is all just a gloss, a rather murky gloss covering a vast empty space. Like stretchy poly filler.

Plus it brings back memories… some good… most awful ….

Thursday, 6 September 2012

This is what happens when you work from home.

There I was, right, in the middle of writing and on a bit of a roll, and happy cos I had some curry noodles and a coffee. When all of a sudden there is a little tap tap at the door.

'Oh dear.' I think. 'It's prolly bettware or sumfink... I'll ignore it.'

Tap tap

Oh dear oh dear! I'm still in me jim jams! I can't answer the door in me jim jams and it might be important if they tapped twice! Nah, it's prolly a sales person, they're persistent buggers.

Tap tap

Oh dear oh dear oh dear! I'm still in me jim jams! I can't answer the door in me jim jams and it must be important if they tapped three times! What to do? What to do? Worry worry!

I can't go! I cannot be seen in me jim jams! No matter how important the thingy is.

Suddenly the flap is lifted 'holllllyyyyy' in a really creepy voice I don't recognise!

Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear! They know me! They know I'm here! They've found me! Who can it be? Who can it be! I have to answer the door if they know me! Was it friend? Was it a foe?

The house is a mess! I'm in the middle of writing! I can't let them in! I have to let them in!

What to do? What to do?

Then to my great relief the familiar sound of gravel as they walk back down to the car, screeching tires as they drive away and I am left, once more alone, with my little heart beating so fast!

I didn't like none of that story.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Tesco Tesco van! I want to drive a Tesco van!

None of that is true, but whenever I think of Tesco that song leaps into my head, like an overweight, pirouetting delivery man. I know not why.

Any hoo I am writing another blog! YAY! Aren’t you well excited!?

this is how exciting this story is
I’ve been meaning to make you aware of the exciting dénouement to my David and Goliath battle of blogger against superstore giant. Well my complaint.

It’s actually the dullest response I could have hoped for, they apologised and gave me a tenner ‘to spend how you please’ – well I should bally well hope so! I am not to be dictated to!

Well that is the end of that thrilling adventure. No Zombies, no drama, no penguins in the Vatican, no dragons in the corner shop, just plain old mundanity.

I’m ready to eat my own face I’m so bored!