Monday, 29 October 2012

Visiting Older Relatives

You never normally visit, why does it have to be an annual event? Don’t they have their own friends? Their own life? You don’t give a crap about them, whose to say they give a crap about you? It’s not like they actually know your name!
She keeps callin' me 'Ethel'

We have all had to do it, to visit some older relative, that offers you strange and inedible food like aniseed or liquorice or home made toffee that tastes like aniseed and liquorice.

The person you have absolutely nothing to say to and who answers the door by saying ‘are you here about the boiler?’

Firstly lets get this straight – you have to visit them, otherwise you just wouldn’t and this wouldn’t even be up for discussion.

So you have a few options.

1: Go.
Stay there a couple of minutes, without sitting down. Take your coat off then put it straight back on again and say ‘thank you so much for the tea, I really didn’t intend to stay this long’ etc etc etc.
The old dear will never know.

2: Don’t go.
Can’t get away with the brazenness of the above suggestion; then this one is even better. Remember when that evil serial killer made everyone think Audrey was going senile? Well neither do I, I don’t watch corrie, but the idea here is the same.
If the elderly relative is NOT insane (highly unlikely, but let’s just assume shall we) Then tell everyone who will listen that they ARE:
Tell everyone that is nagging you to go, that you are going; then go to the pub, come home and say:
‘Oh Auntie Maureen was a bit odd today, she kept calling me Simon and asked me if I could peel a haddock.’ (The above will only have a significant impact if you are not called Simon, nor do you have any kind of catering qualification, otherwise it’s just silly isn’t it?)

3: Go with someone else:
This is the true coward’s option.
-Hold your breath.
-Wear layers to cope with unpredictable temperature conditions
-What ever food you are offered, state that you are allergic, or pick it up and put it in a plant pot.

4: Pay someone else to go in your place:
These elderly people can’t recognise which of their children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews/old dead friend’s children you are. So just pay a needy tramp a fiver, they will get a cup of tea and something that tastes of aniseed, and you’ve done your bit to make the world a better place.

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