Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Mars Awaits

Ah yes. Mars. The red planet. The God of war. That wandering star. Erm... and other stuff that would be appropriate for the voice over on a dodgy channel five documentary.

“Why are you bothering me with this useless information?” I hear you ask, ever so patiently.

Well it has not escaped my attention that ‘they’ (the men in black, I assume) are looking for people to move there.

I assume they are building an out of town housing estate, they will probably have a Park & Ride back into the centre – I hate those things, just friggen go there for Pete’s sake, what’s all this faffing for? – anyhoo this is a very exciting thing.

“I don’t care.”

Well you should care and I am about to tell you why.

Think of it. An empty planet. Ready to be colonised, waiting to be filled with silly little humans wandering around saying ‘look at that!’ ‘let’s dig this up’ ‘how to you spell antelope?’.

How will these silly little humans cope without trees and the ocean? With only a tiny little sun in the distance and no red hot beams filling up their eyes?

No clubs, no city centres, no hordes and a blank canvas of lovely emptiness to be filled by their own little social ideals. This is the chance to create that new civilisation wot Kirk is always banging on about!

“Why are you excited about this, you weirdo?!”

HAHA I’m glad you asked!

You see I have long had the aim of becoming Queen of the World. But alas I have been prevented by things like sleepytime and hidden cheese, but this is my chance! My chance to become Queen! Not of stinky old earth, not of this second rate hand-me-down where I would simply become one name among the many names of despot leaders from the past. Forgotten, sucked into oblivion by the inevitability of time, no! I would become the first Queen, the first great leader of Mars! 

I would be a god. Probably.

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