Saturday, 18 July 2015

KING OF THE DWARVES!

Everyone (and by everyone I just mean enough people to have pissed me off) are getting all stupid about this Pluto thing.

People are angry (why the frick now?) about Pluto being ‘demoted’ to a dwarf planet.

Well, for one thing there is NOTHING wrong with being a dwarf! Just ask Thorin Oakenshield or that one from ‘Game of Thrones’ you harp on about unstoppably.

Plus! It’s not a friggen demotion! Pluto doesn’t have a job for Pete’s sake! It’s a reclassification! It’s just humans trying to put things into neat boxes to make the universe seem less chaotic!

‘But why does it matter if there is just one more planet, if it would make Pluto happy?


Well, I hate to break it to you, stupid face, but I really doubt Pluto gives a shit. Also if we do class Pluto as a planet, same as Saturn, Jupiter et al… then surely we have to include Eris as a planet as well.

‘Who, what now?’

Eris, you know that big spherical rock? The other dwarf planet?

'Another Planet! Wow!'

As well as Eris there is Ceres (my personal fave!) and poor little messed up Haumea, and Makemake—

‘Are you bullshitting me?’

I don’t usually tolerate that sort of language on my blog, and no I am not lying these are dwarf planets but if we start classing any old thing that’s round as a planet it might start to get a little confusing out there.

‘Nah, I can remember loads of names of animals and stuff, I’ll be able to remember an extra few planets in the solar system.’

All right, you cocky little shit, fine here are a few other dwarf planets that would have to be reclassified as planets: Orcus, Varuna, Sedna—

‘To make Pluto happy, I would definitely make them all planets!’

Ixion, Huya, Quaoar—

‘How do you say that last one?’

Then of course there are the ones that don’t yet have names: 2005RM43, 2000YW134, 2004XR190, 1999DE9,

‘I’m sure we can think of a few names for a couple more planets in the solar system-’

Fine, be my guest: 2002TC302, 2001UR163, 2003FY128, 2003QX113, 2002WC19, 2002AW197, 2002KW14, 2002CY248, 2003MW12, 2004PR107, 2005FY9, 1998WH24, 2000CN105, 1997CS29, 1999CD158, 2003QW90, 2003EL61, 2003OP32, 1996TO66, 2002TX300, 2002UX25, 2004GV9, 2004SB60, 2002MS4, 1995SM55, 2005RN43, 2003AZ84, 2001QF298, 1999TC36, 2003VS2, 2002XV93, 2002KX14, 2004TY364.

These are just the ones we’ve found, the number will go up to thousands as more areas of the solar system are surveyed.

‘Thousands!?’

Thousands.

‘How do you know this?’

A combination of Wikipedia, Nasa and Caltech. Oh and books.

‘… But what about Pluto… he seems so sad in that video.’

You do know that video is a cartoon and not actual footage, don't you?

'He is so SAD, and he has a heart, A HEART!' 


You know what, just pretend it’s a fucking planet. Dipshit.

‘Yay! Pluto is a planet!’

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Battle with Shelob

*WARNING* CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF MILD TERROR

It was a dark, dark night. Like most nights, because nights are dark. That’s usually how I know it’s night-time.

I was trying to sleep but was kept awake by the incessant heat of the muggy summer night: too cold to throw off the duvet, too hot to keep the duvet on. It was a waking duvet nightmare!

I tried to reach a miserable clammy compromise. But in vain!

Weakly I arose, thinking perhaps there was something somewhere in the house that could induce the pleasant sleep of happy dreams.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong… something not quite right…


SHELOB!

The beast of nightmares had sought me out!

I was alone! Unprepared! Unready for battle with such a mighty foe!

But bravely I stood firm.


I would not be trifled with!

I would not allow this fearsome and hairy beast with legs and eyes and eurgh! To take over my house!

I sought that which could defeat SHELOB!

The ancient device, the only thing known to man to conquer his terrible foe without fail! The only thing that can shield humanity from the unthinkable danger posed by this unearthly creature of doom!


I held the mighty weapon aloft!

I had to stand on a chair because I couldn’t reach the ceiling and she kept sort of wriggling away and I was worried that she would be far too big for it and I would break her legs or she would get away and it was all very distressing!

But in she plopped! Just the mighty transparent shield between her and my precious hand!

Delicately I slid a letter between the weapon and the ceiling to stop her leaping forth from the top and landing on my face.

MY FACE!!!!!

How brave I was!

How brave of me to run screaming to the garden and shake her loose of her trappings, locking all the doors and windows lest she crawl in once again, concealing herself, hiding, waiting for her opportunity to pounce.

But due to my excellence and bravery in battle I slept soundly the rest of the night!


Monday, 6 July 2015

THE HAND!

“Where’ve you been?”

I hear you ask.

Well, I have been crippled.

That sounds dramatic but it isn’t. It is really very boring and quite humiliating.

It isn’t even a very exciting story, I fell over.

So for the past week I have been unable to write with both hands, which is really quite annoying, so annoying I have taken to using speech recognition software.

But it really isn’t easy: I keep arguing with the computer because he is an idiot.

For example, it tried to write “he was in he the year to” when I dictated ‘he is an idiot’.
And the damn thing seems to think that whatever it wants to type takes priority over what I want to write.

Plus it takes about 20 minutes to type a sentence because the bloody thing keeps getting things wrong.

Another example would be when, in frustration, I said ‘oh, fuck you!’ the poor, dim witted thing thought I was being lovely, and typed ‘oh, thank you’. The passive aggressive little shit.

As well as that I always feel under pressure when I have to talk I don’t like the phone I don’t like speaking to face to face, mainly because I don’t like faces, in fact I hate having to talk at all.

Pulling the words from my brain and putting them on to paper or in this case computer fake paper on a screen, is so much easier when you skip the whole mouth bit.

I have to articulate clearly, and I have to talk at a snails pace, not that a snail can talk, mind you, and when you have to name all the punctuation you want to use, well it really takes all the life, and love and joy out of writing. It would be like going through life name all the body part you are currently using: ‘My eyes are looking and my brain is processing while my lungs are breathing’ and so on, until your hands decide to clutch your own throat and throttle your own self.

You see the thing about writing is that the voice in my head is quite interesting, witty, pacy, and a quick wit is somewhat drowned by … breaking… a … sentence… down … in…to … individual… words… which… you… have… to … patiently… wait… to… be… put… on… to… the… screen… one… by… See! I’m going out of my mind!

In fact I will confess something to you, I am now writing this with one and a half hands (mostly one) because causing myself physical pain is far easier to bear than the mental anguish caused by this devils creation which I am now pledging myself to destroy!

I think I need to have a little lie down in a darkened room.