Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Battle with Shelob

*WARNING* CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF MILD TERROR

It was a dark, dark night. Like most nights, because nights are dark. That’s usually how I know it’s night-time.

I was trying to sleep but was kept awake by the incessant heat of the muggy summer night: too cold to throw off the duvet, too hot to keep the duvet on. It was a waking duvet nightmare!

I tried to reach a miserable clammy compromise. But in vain!

Weakly I arose, thinking perhaps there was something somewhere in the house that could induce the pleasant sleep of happy dreams.

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong… something not quite right…


SHELOB!

The beast of nightmares had sought me out!

I was alone! Unprepared! Unready for battle with such a mighty foe!

But bravely I stood firm.


I would not be trifled with!

I would not allow this fearsome and hairy beast with legs and eyes and eurgh! To take over my house!

I sought that which could defeat SHELOB!

The ancient device, the only thing known to man to conquer his terrible foe without fail! The only thing that can shield humanity from the unthinkable danger posed by this unearthly creature of doom!


I held the mighty weapon aloft!

I had to stand on a chair because I couldn’t reach the ceiling and she kept sort of wriggling away and I was worried that she would be far too big for it and I would break her legs or she would get away and it was all very distressing!

But in she plopped! Just the mighty transparent shield between her and my precious hand!

Delicately I slid a letter between the weapon and the ceiling to stop her leaping forth from the top and landing on my face.

MY FACE!!!!!

How brave I was!

How brave of me to run screaming to the garden and shake her loose of her trappings, locking all the doors and windows lest she crawl in once again, concealing herself, hiding, waiting for her opportunity to pounce.

But due to my excellence and bravery in battle I slept soundly the rest of the night!


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