Saturday, 18 July 2015

KING OF THE DWARVES!

Everyone (and by everyone I just mean enough people to have pissed me off) are getting all stupid about this Pluto thing.

People are angry (why the frick now?) about Pluto being ‘demoted’ to a dwarf planet.

Well, for one thing there is NOTHING wrong with being a dwarf! Just ask Thorin Oakenshield or that one from ‘Game of Thrones’ you harp on about unstoppably.

Plus! It’s not a friggen demotion! Pluto doesn’t have a job for Pete’s sake! It’s a reclassification! It’s just humans trying to put things into neat boxes to make the universe seem less chaotic!

‘But why does it matter if there is just one more planet, if it would make Pluto happy?


Well, I hate to break it to you, stupid face, but I really doubt Pluto gives a shit. Also if we do class Pluto as a planet, same as Saturn, Jupiter et al… then surely we have to include Eris as a planet as well.

‘Who, what now?’

Eris, you know that big spherical rock? The other dwarf planet?

'Another Planet! Wow!'

As well as Eris there is Ceres (my personal fave!) and poor little messed up Haumea, and Makemake—

‘Are you bullshitting me?’

I don’t usually tolerate that sort of language on my blog, and no I am not lying these are dwarf planets but if we start classing any old thing that’s round as a planet it might start to get a little confusing out there.

‘Nah, I can remember loads of names of animals and stuff, I’ll be able to remember an extra few planets in the solar system.’

All right, you cocky little shit, fine here are a few other dwarf planets that would have to be reclassified as planets: Orcus, Varuna, Sedna—

‘To make Pluto happy, I would definitely make them all planets!’

Ixion, Huya, Quaoar—

‘How do you say that last one?’

Then of course there are the ones that don’t yet have names: 2005RM43, 2000YW134, 2004XR190, 1999DE9,

‘I’m sure we can think of a few names for a couple more planets in the solar system-’

Fine, be my guest: 2002TC302, 2001UR163, 2003FY128, 2003QX113, 2002WC19, 2002AW197, 2002KW14, 2002CY248, 2003MW12, 2004PR107, 2005FY9, 1998WH24, 2000CN105, 1997CS29, 1999CD158, 2003QW90, 2003EL61, 2003OP32, 1996TO66, 2002TX300, 2002UX25, 2004GV9, 2004SB60, 2002MS4, 1995SM55, 2005RN43, 2003AZ84, 2001QF298, 1999TC36, 2003VS2, 2002XV93, 2002KX14, 2004TY364.

These are just the ones we’ve found, the number will go up to thousands as more areas of the solar system are surveyed.

‘Thousands!?’

Thousands.

‘How do you know this?’

A combination of Wikipedia, Nasa and Caltech. Oh and books.

‘… But what about Pluto… he seems so sad in that video.’

You do know that video is a cartoon and not actual footage, don't you?

'He is so SAD, and he has a heart, A HEART!' 


You know what, just pretend it’s a fucking planet. Dipshit.

‘Yay! Pluto is a planet!’

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