Monday, 6 July 2015


“Where’ve you been?”

I hear you ask.

Well, I have been crippled.

That sounds dramatic but it isn’t. It is really very boring and quite humiliating.

It isn’t even a very exciting story, I fell over.

So for the past week I have been unable to write with both hands, which is really quite annoying, so annoying I have taken to using speech recognition software.

But it really isn’t easy: I keep arguing with the computer because he is an idiot.

For example, it tried to write “he was in he the year to” when I dictated ‘he is an idiot’.
And the damn thing seems to think that whatever it wants to type takes priority over what I want to write.

Plus it takes about 20 minutes to type a sentence because the bloody thing keeps getting things wrong.

Another example would be when, in frustration, I said ‘oh, fuck you!’ the poor, dim witted thing thought I was being lovely, and typed ‘oh, thank you’. The passive aggressive little shit.

As well as that I always feel under pressure when I have to talk I don’t like the phone I don’t like speaking to face to face, mainly because I don’t like faces, in fact I hate having to talk at all.

Pulling the words from my brain and putting them on to paper or in this case computer fake paper on a screen, is so much easier when you skip the whole mouth bit.

I have to articulate clearly, and I have to talk at a snails pace, not that a snail can talk, mind you, and when you have to name all the punctuation you want to use, well it really takes all the life, and love and joy out of writing. It would be like going through life name all the body part you are currently using: ‘My eyes are looking and my brain is processing while my lungs are breathing’ and so on, until your hands decide to clutch your own throat and throttle your own self.

You see the thing about writing is that the voice in my head is quite interesting, witty, pacy, and a quick wit is somewhat drowned by … breaking… a … sentence… down … in…to … individual… words… which… you… have… to … patiently… wait… to… be… put… on… to… the… screen… one… by… See! I’m going out of my mind!

In fact I will confess something to you, I am now writing this with one and a half hands (mostly one) because causing myself physical pain is far easier to bear than the mental anguish caused by this devils creation which I am now pledging myself to destroy!

I think I need to have a little lie down in a darkened room.

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